Monday, December 29, 2008
this is an angry rant.
i hate it. i hate my holiday. ive done nothing whatsoever to be proud of, besides working. schools two weeks away and im tired. i dont want to do this anymore. but i have no choice. i work on these inane things day after day. my dad keeps yelling at me for doing them wrong, but im trying my best. im trying my freaking best. so stop yelling. i dont like them, i dont want them and i dont think its any good but people around keep saying that i can do it, how great it is, how i would certainly succeed. but wth i dont care. i dont care ok? yes i want to get in too. i want to succeed. but most of all i want to get these things over and done with. and im tired of people telling me to stop doubting my abilities. im not. im not underestimating myself. i just dont freaking care! so why the hell did i do this in the first place? i dont know. because ive been raised like this. with this stupid belief. because everyone around me thinks so. and also because i know coming may if i do succeed ill be grateful to myself for doing it. i want to be able to do this. but ive come this far and now all i want is to stop. to pretend i havent done it. to forget. to do things i want to do. the only things that keep me going now is the knowledge of how much time and money i have already spent, how far ive come, how much i know i need this to be true and all that bloody pressure. this is so pathetic.
all i wanted to do was to paint. to golf. to knit. to sleep. to watch tv. to work. but its ok. its ok for me to give all of that up. icyl, vacationing whatever. because i know ill thank myself for it later. i believe in too much bloody karma. and i need this too much for me to give it up. i have work again at 3.
please. please pretend you didnt read that because if i receive any more concern i dont deserve i wouldnt be able to hold it together anymore.
Escaped
{12:37 pm}
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