on the eve of chinese new year, i found myself on the docks of the sentosa cove harbour. alone before the floating yachts, i started to walk.
one step ahead of the other. my new flats clicked rhythmically and distinctly on the boarded walkway. the sea breeze was slight in the enclosed area, but it swirled around me, lifting the edges of my black shawl and the bottom of my new dress. it was a precious kind of silence. sacred if you will. away from the noise of the restaurant, from the loud cheers customary during yushen, the alcohol, cigarettes and screams of four year old children.
as i turned a corner, the direction of the wind changed. i approached the end of the walkway, half expecting a big, flamboyant sign declaring the sea. yet there was nothing to greet me except a poorly constructed barrier, the sounds of the waves crashing against the rocks below, and the lights of the ships in the open sea.
i stood for a while, at the edge, listening and watching as each wave broke against the rocks and swirled away. wouldnt it be nice, to hear this sound every day? i looked across to the half constructed condo on the other curve, the buildings my father had pointed out excitedly to us earlier in the day and wondered what living like here would be like. then i dimissed the thought of relieving this moment again, for the hundred of occupants this time next year would make it impossible.
my mind drifted again to the my favourite game. in the peace of the night, what would it be like if i had climbed over the loose chains, lowered myself down the rocks and let the waves take me? how would that feel? like always, i had half a mind to try, but like always the single thread that binds me to reality pulled me away.
i turned and slowly, but surely, made my way back.
some people would classify such ideas as suicidal. or at least signs of depression. but in that clear night, with no one else but me on that harbour, there really wasnt anything to upset me. its mainly curiousity i guess. a kind of experiment that ill never undertake, for, like always, i convince myself theres much more to live for.
the trip back was faster than i had expected. as i neared the clubhouse that the dinner party was held, i paused for a moment, pondering dessert. then i remembered the quarrelling couple, whose sharp jabs rippled throughout my day, the rich, smooth operator, who had spent the whole day hitting on a girl and was pretty close to succeeding, the three four year old kids who screamed, cried, ran, fought, the man with a family whom i used to know as a child, but has changed into a stranger who had nothing but a younger girlfriend, cigarettes and alcohol for company, the smell of the second-hand smoke and whiskey permeating my hair.
and i walked away again, bent on reaching the other end of the cove.
Escaped
{10:10 am}
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