Friday, November 13, 2009
i had a whole post about life and its regrets planned out, but that waits, because tonights post is about time.
tonight, everything but the brain was a play about time.
in a lot of ways, what was happening in the play was a reflection of what was happening at the play. there were people tonight that i used to know, who used to be Very significant in various points of my life, that i used to and sometimes still, say i love you and miss you too. but as time passed and we came to tonight, we both began to step away, lose touch, move on.
until tonight, when we became strangers who say hello.
(of course there were also a lot of people there tonight who are still very much significant to me, so please dont think im talking about yall)
i remember last year, when i was busying around with something that is no longer significant, zaki's msn video popped up, and he said something to the extent of please dont ever lose touch with me, whatever happens next year.
and when i said to annie that day last year, that ill never want to ever not be her friend.
but really, how does one do that? how do you stop the waters of time from seeping through the cracks of your fingers and into a relationship, eventually diluting it into something that is no longer... anything?
how?
its not like i wanted it to. its not like i no longer want to be your friend. its just, its just... its a mutual thing, as you no longer give me a part of your life to be in, i choose not to be a part of your life. these are mutally dependent events - as long as one occurs the result is the same whether or not the other does. we all know what i mean, we all have been there. everyone who have lost a friend to time.
no one ever wants to, and when i say i love and miss you i really do. i love you for the days you were part of my life, and i, yours. i miss those days. but time pushes us, forces us to leave those days behind, fossilised in our memories.
and as much as we would like to stop time, it speeds forward.
they say the teen years are those with the biggest changes. the self-discovery times. in 5 days my first jc yer ends, and in another 2 odd months i turn 18. 18. that is nearly the end of the teen years, but this year, this excruciatingly long, yet blink-of-an-eye fast year, have been nothing short of self-discovery and changes. last year this time, i walked out of rgs thinking i was done with those years of self-discovery. i walked out thinking i knew who i was. i walked out confident of where i was going, of what i could be.
but now, now i realise i didnt really walk out of anything. rather, i was pretty much yanked out like a baby mandrake, stuffed into a new pot, covered with dirt, and expected to find my own way around.
when youre in the GEP for 6 years, people around you tend to remain relatively constant. you know who you are closer to, who shes closer to, who they are closer to. in 6 years of time you build up your reputation, your image. everyone knows everyone. but suddenly, suddenly this year i was pulled out of the system and stuffed into this new.. timezone. and so were everyone else. pushed and shoved around by our duties, our schedules, our class timetables, subconciously our relationships with each other lost the competition against time. and with the constraints of this new life, you are made to reconstruct your social circle.
i lost my axis. in a lot of ways i am the shadow of the person that i was last year this time. i no longer know what i mean to a lot of people. i dont know where i am going, i forgot my game plan. that many things accumulated in one short year can blow a person to bits, and can make this post very very very emo.
but i am running out of time. and of brainpower. and this is not an emo post.
but mostly, just running out of time. time doesnt wait for people to mull about the past. time doesnt stop so you can figure out your footing. no, time speeds when you wish it would stop, time crawls, time spins you around like a tornado and throws away all your plans. and there is nothing you can do about but deal. gradually, you pick yourself up again, you dust off the damage and you learn to work with the new life.
so during this post promos time, i took time away from everything to realign. to rediscover my passion, to rebuild my game plan, to reconnect with old friends. im still working on it, but things are coming together, so hopefully, hopefully soon ill find and make a life ill be comfortable to live in.
its all a matter of time.
Escaped
{11:11 pm}
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